Unsurprisingly, the more someone likes you, the more influence you will have over them. What is surprising, however, is how ineffective most men are at using this principle in their favor. You can make women consistently like you more with simple strategies that take little effort to perfect. If a woman likes you, she will trust your intentions for her are positive and thus be more open to being lead in the direction of your choosing. There are two easy-to-use strategies to create liking we’ll go over, similarity and compliments.
In Influence, Cialdini writes, “We like people who are similar to us (Byrne, 1971). This fact seems to hold true whether the similarity is in the area of opinions, personality traits, background, or lifestyle. Consequently, those who want us to like them so that we will comply with them can accomplish that purpose by appearing similar to us in a wide variety of ways.”
Extensive research has found that liking is powerful. For example, one researcher found that customers were more likely to buy from insurance representatives how had similarities in age, political affiliation, and religion. You might be thinking, “ That’s cool, but these basic club girls have nothing in common with me.” You can create a sense of similarity with anyone, you just have to dig for commonalities.
Although generally frowned upon, interview-style questions are very useful if you use them properly. These questions can be an engine for finding similarities, and thus creating a sense of mutual liking and trust.
Have you ever been in a foreign country and found that a stranger was from the same city as you, and suddenly, you were comfortable with each other and felt like friends? This is the basic effect you are aiming to create.
Simple questions such as, “Where are you from?” “What do you do for a living?” and “What are you passionate about?” are goldmines for creating a sense of similarity. For example, if a girl says she’s a marketer, and you binge watched Gary Vaynerchuck videos last night, you now can create a conversational thread that will induce a feeling of similarity (additionally, this opens the door for a conversation about a topic she’s personally invested in, which will be especially interesting to her). If she’s from California and you visit there every year because it’s your favorite state, and you plan on moving there some day, talking about this will help create a sense of connection.
If you can’t find any commonalities in your background, you can find cultural similarities. I can honestly say that Game of Thrones has helped me get laid. The similarity can be as simple as bingeing on the same television show or having read the same book. Ask about her interests, and you should easily be able to find commonalities.
Finding similarities creates a feeling of connection, a feeling that you and she are not ‘other’, and the more commonalities you find (and the deeper you delve into any particular one) the more powerful this effect becomes. It’s like crafting a web, and once you’ve found enough commonalities you will feel like old friends who’ve known each other for years.
Similarities that are banal (like Game of Thrones) are effective for creating a sense of similarity, but the more emotional the topic, the more powerful the connection you will create. If you can make her feel connected to you through your shared values and desires, the effect will be intoxicating for her. Taking your conversations (yes, even at a club) towards topics like your life goals, frustrations, and values; and finding where you and her overlap in this regard will create a profound emotional connection for a woman that will vastly increase the influence you have with her.
Most men are very stubborn when it comes to giving out compliments, yet their power (when done well) is profound. Research has shown that compliments are a powerful force for creating liking and influence (Drachman, deCarufel, & Insko). Just as importantly, studies have found that we tend to believe compliments even when they’re untrue (Byrne, Rasche, and Kelley).
I tend to avoid telling girls how beautiful and attractive they are because this puts a lot of pressure on a girl and makes me seem too available (we’ll go over scarcity soon). Instead, I compliment a woman’s personality. Beautiful women get plenty of attention for their looks, and this can lead them to feel that the only value people see in them is that of their good genes. Because of this, compliments about who an attractive woman is as a person are especially effective. To work, your compliment doesn’t have to be elaborate, it can be as simple as, “I like you, you’re actually cool.” In fact, I have a friend who uses this compliment in all of his interactions to great effect.
Of course, the more specific and personal the compliment, the more effective it will be. If you compliment a girl on her intelligence because of a clever reference she made, it will feel more meaningful to her than a generic compliment.
Now, you might think you shouldn’t give a compliment to someone unless you like them. Personally, I know that by giving compliments out generously (and for the most part, honestly), the person will like me more as a result, and then they will become more likeable (this is known as the Pygmalion effect in psychology).
Many men who learn about dating advice avoid giving women compliments like the plague because they don’t want to let girls know they’re attracted to them. This reasoning has some validity, but there’s an important nuance. You shouldn’t be too obvious that you are interested in a girl sexually, but you should be obvious that you like her as a person. Think of someone who doesn’t like you who you really enjoy being around. Can’t think of anyone? Exactly.
Create a sense of similarity and positivity (through compliments) in your interactions with women and they will enjoy your company more, they will feel magnetically drawn to you. We all like people who make us feel likeable and interesting. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be challenging, but it does mean you shouldn’t always be challenging. The baseline for your interaction should be positive to create a since of liking and rapport, then, to increase sexual tension, you can be challenging or create a sense of scarcity.
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