Most of the pain men experience in their dating lives comes from one pernicious source: a scarcity mindset. This is problematic because most of us don’t even know what a scarcity mindset is; we wouldn’t even know if we did have one.
That’s where this article comes in. I’m going to explain why scarcity is the source of so much pain and frustration with women, show you the common signs of a scarcity mindset (so you can know if this is affecting you), and provide an outline for how to break out of scarcity if you are in it. Let’s start by looking at the scarcity mindset in a nutshell:
Sex and Scarcity
What does scarcity have to do with dating? Like it or not, it’s not inaccurate to look at people as a sexual resource. If you have an abundance of options with women, then you won’t really care if you can have sex with any particular woman. You have plenty of options. There’s no reason to fret over Suzie, you’ve still got Amanda, Sarah, and Jessica.
On the other hand, if you have a scarcity of options with women, you can very easily start to think obsessively and neurotically about one particular girl you like. This is a pattern most modern man fall into at one point or another, and although the emotions scarcity creates are real, they’re really nothing more than a trick of the mind that can lead to endless frustration (and an unfulfilling dating life).
Read this article to learn:
- How men get into a scarcity mindset with women.
- How to determine if you are in scarcity yourself.
- How to replace a scarcity mindset with an abundance mindset.
How Scarcity Acts as A Psychological Trap
In reality, women are an abundant resource in the modern world. In every major city there are thousands (if not millions) of women, many of which are attractive and available. But men still get into a scarcity mindset with women because of their mindset and their social environment.
Let’s say you work with a cute girl (we’ll call her Tatianna). You see her every day, she’s the prettiest girl at work, and so, naturally, you develop a crush on her. What could possibly be bad about that? Well, assuming you don’t photograph models for a living, there’s probably not a lot of attractive girls at your job, only a few. Tatianna’s your number one choice among these few attractive girls.
Guess what, there’s a lot of pressure. If you fuck it up with Tatianna, you just lost your chance with the hottest girl who is a regular part of your day-to-day life. Sure, there are thousands of hot girls in your city, but how often do you interact with them? For most men the answer is rarely, if not never.
Even though there’s technically a limitless number of options, there’s only one girl you both really like and actually interact with. So, naturally, you’re going to put her on a pedestal. You’re going to fantasize about dating her. You’re going to wait for the “perfect opportunity” to make a move. You’re going to talk to your friends about her. All this because she represents a scarce resource to you: attractive women. She’s the most attractive girl that you actually interact with.
So, now, your mind’s going to play tricks on you. You’re going to think Tatianna’s “special”, that she’s “Not like these other girls”. You’ll think things like, “I should take it slow with her, and get to know her first because I really like this girl” Bullshit thoughts like these are going to trick you into playing it safe.
Scarcity Is A Mindset
Scarcity isn’t based on objective reality (it can be, but unless you live in a small town, women are abundant), it’s based on a mindset. It’s not that there aren’t many women available, it’s that there aren’t many women you think you can get.
If you don’t interact with a lot of attractive women, and/or you don’t think you’re the kind of guy attractive women like, you’re going to get wrapped up in negative thinking like, “I’m just not attractive enough,” “I need to get a better job before I get a girlfriend,” etc. Additionally, because you’re in scarcity, as soon as you do get positive attention from a girl, you’re going to desperately latch on to her.
The girl who gives you attention might be attracted to you, she might just be friendly, but either way, her positive response to you is going to make you think, “Maybe she likes me, maybe I have a chance to get her!” Because this is such a rare opportunity for you, you’re going to go all in. Unfortunately, she’s going to sense your desperation, which is the biggest turn off for women in existence.
So, the scarcity mindset is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You rarely get opportunities with women, and when you do, you act desperate and neurotic, so you don’t get the girl. Then, you get more deeply entrenched in your scarcity mindset because you didn’t get yet another girl, and this goes on and on in a downward spiral until you end up settling for an equally desperate girl (or buy a sex doll).
You meet Tatianna, the cutest girl you work with. You think, “She’s cool, she’s attractive, I should ask her out,” so you invite her to get coffee with you. She says no. You think, “Too bad, but it’s no big deal.” And that ends there. You don’t keep thinking about her, you don’t worry about what the rejection means about you, you don’t use it as an excuse to avoid putting yourself out there again. You’re in abundance.
When you’re in abundance, asking a particular girl out or making a bold move isn’t scary. You know that even if this particular girl rejects you, you won’t have trouble meeting and attracting another girl later that night.
If you go out regularly, meet a lot of women, get some phone numbers, go on some dates, and have sex with women on a regular basis, any particular girl isn’t going to have a huge emotional impact on you. You’re not going to get neurotic, overthink, or shoot yourself in the foot with a woman. You’ll just think a girl is attractive and make a move. You know you might get rejected but you genuinely don’t care because you know some other girl is not going to reject you in the near future.
Tatianna was a big deal for the guy in scarcity, so he had absolutely no chance with her (a girl can smell desperation like a police dog can smell drugs). That guy may waste weeks or even months obsessing over her and imagining the life he and her could have together.
The guy in abundance will, instead, spend that same time sleeping with and dating other attractive women. Tatianna may be a cool girl, but there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and he doesn’t give a fuck about his ability to sleep with any particular girl.
Second level scarcity
There’s an important nuance to mention in regards scarcity and abundance. It is possible to be in abundance with some women, but not others. If you’ve had success with women who are attractive, but not your version of a “9” or “10,” then you might be in abundance with all girls except those that are particularly attractive to you. As soon as you see one of those girls, you’ll start thinking, “Shit, I need to get this girl,” then when you meet her, you’ll probably shoot yourself in the foot by putting her on a pedestal and acting desperate.
The Way to Abundance
If you see yourself in the above examples of a scarcity mindset with women, the first step towards change is awareness. If you realize that the only reason you’re obsessing over one particular girl is the fact that you’re in scarcity, then you free yourself to take the necessary steps to break out of scarcity and into abundance.
But if you don’t recognize that thinking as scarcity thinking, you’re going to think, “This girl really is special,” and you’re going to keep investing your time, emotions, and energy into a cause that isn’t going to go anywhere.
As soon as you realize you’re in scarcity, the way out is to interact with a lot of women. To go out, approach girls, and start to teach your brain that there are many options.
The second step towards abundance is to start asking attractive girls out. You’ll get rejected a lot, but if you learn from your mistakes and keep putting yourself out there you’ll start to build self-confidence and you’ll eventually get dates with attractive girls.
Your mindset will start to change from the toxic scarcity mindset, into a liberating abundance mindset.
Now, this is a very simple outline of how to do this, if you want a step-by-step guide, check out, The Trial: Transform Your Dating Life In Eight weeks.
The underlying purpose of “PUA” content, is to take you from a scarcity mindset into an abundance mindset with women. Once this happens you’ll have a lot more success with women, but you’ll also be able to think more clearheadedly about sex and dating too, you won’t get neurotic or emotional in very self-defeating ways. For a lot of modern men, dating isn’t fun, as soon as you make the shift from a scarcity to an abundance mindset with women, that will change.
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